I didn’t think I’d ever write a post like this. Didn’t believe this would happen to me, to us. Alas, it did. Just now. Last week, my unborn baby left us forever.

It happens a lot and no one says a thing

I found out I was pregnant with our second baby in early January. I was excited – my period had only returned three months prior and we do want more than one child, as much as we love Bubsi. Admittedly, I was also a little freaked out. Bubsi still needs me quite a lot and I am not sure if I have enough energy to spare for another whirlwind in the house. In my head though, I was already planning ahead like crazy and figuring out just how we might make it work from fall, with two.

My pregnancy documentation book

At the first check up things looked like they were developing normally. Yet, as there was no heartbeat yet and it was very early,my gynecologist asked me to return for a screen two weeks later. Sadly, there was still no heartbeat. No blood was flowing to the fetus. The diagnosis: missed abortion at 9+2 weeks. One of the 2 of every 5 pregnancies that fails in the early stages. Common, nothing unusual. Devastating nonetheless.

Digesting the news

To say I felt crushed is an understatement. I feel like nothing I could write here would quite capture how I felt when I heard, or how I feel right now. The most unsettling bit, for me, is that there was no sign anything was wrong. My body let me think all was fine. The pregnancy symptoms were still there, but the baby was dead. I have lost trust in my physical form, and that is…difficult to cope with. I would not have miscarried anytime soon. My doc realized that my body would take too long to figure out something was wrong, and ordered an emergency d&c (next post).

I cried for days. My mom came to help with Bubsi. My friends offered help that I mosty refused. I am better now. Most of the time. But I still grieve, and I am still not convinced my body can ever be trusted again. Papa… I am not sure he understands just how much it impacts me, or why. It is common after all. Maybe so. But being common is something you only want to be when you are still a baby and toddler conforming to the developmental milestones that make you normal. Not when you are reminded that loss is common. So is pain and grief. And ultimately, also death.