My first pregnancy with Bubsi went so well. I do not think I realized how lucky I was. I just assumed that if we wanted a second child, it would be the same, simple. Alas, it was not to be that simple – my second pregnancy ended in a missed abortion in February. Conceiving again was easy physically, but emotionally it was a strain.
Wanting a second child
When my period finally returned last fall, my sex drive did too. I believe Papa was quite excited about that! What also returned was my wish for a bigger family (I suppose that is not a coincidence, hormones?). Papa has always wanted a bigger family, and we were very soon on the same page: we would just let fate decide and not use contraceptives. I conceived in my third cycle, and we were glad. Although I was scared how I would manage with two kids day to day, I wanted the second child with all my heart. And then it left us. It was devastating, although I suppose the D&C scared me the most about it all at the time.
With the missed abortion the wish for a second child did not disappear. And so, once I had recovered and was medically okay, we tried again. With immediate success!
Being scared of pregnancy after abortion
Instead of being elated I was pregnant again, however, I was terrified. Suddenly, pregnancy was no longer an easy, natural thing to me. It was something to be afraid of, because what if this baby would choose to leave us ahead of its time as well?
My pregnancy symptoms were much worse this time than with the aborted child. Also, they were worse than they had been with Bubsi. I was fatigued, grumpy, miserable and nursing Bubsi was painful. My legs started to retain water and I was showing at 7 weeks to the extend that a good friend noticed. It was not my best of times, but the worst part of the first trimester was the fear that at my next screen, something wouf be wrong with the baby. That it would be dead again, just like the one that passed in February. My gynaecologist kindly made an extra appointment for me right at the end of the first trimester – not medically necessary, she understood my need to know everything was fine and that the pregnancy was out of immediate danger. After all, the risk of miscarriage drops to 3% after week 12.
What can I say, this baby wants to stay. I am so happy. Hopefully all will go well now but the most dangerous weeks are over, the worst symptoms are over too (for now, third trimester is coming up)… And I am no longer scared. But it surely was a difficult first half of the year for me emotionally. How did you feel conceiving after losing a child?