This September, Bubsi started the settling in process at kindergarden. We were quite excited to get a place at the Montessori kindergarden, as I very much approve of their “free work” concept. Though we were told that settling in takes about six weeks, I didn’t quite expect it to…well, actually take that long. But read for yourselves.
“Settling in” at kindergarden by the book
Our kindergarden follows a “settling in” process for their new children. It is called the “Berliner Model” because it was developed in the kindergardens of Berlin. The idea behind it is that kids should not be thrown into cold water when they come to kindergarden: no separation between the parents and the children until the young ones have had a chance to get used to the institution and their teachers. Therefore, the parent accompanies the child to kindergarden at first and stays in the same room as the child for about an hour a day. A first separation attempt between parent and child occurs on day three, and depending on the outcome the next settling in steps are decided. In case the child does not calm down at separation, the parent continues to accompany the child a few more days before another attempt is made. The idea is to allow the child to form an emotional bond with its new care givers. When separation is successful, the separation time is slowly extended until the kid stays the whole day (8 am to 2 pm at our kindergarden).
What I really like about the Berlin model is that kids are spared the stress of separation they are not used to. Let’s be fair, Bubsi has spent nearly every hour of every day since she was born with either me or her Papa. (Except the recent trips to grannies, and occasional grannie or auntie baby sitting for a few hours. But those are close and well-known relatives and not strangers plus 20 other children). To expect her to just accept us saying goodbye at the door with a big group of people she does not know would have been crazy. If you ask me. Especially since she is shy in groups. That is how it used to be before the era of settling in periods though. I vaguely recall being utterly scared and lost and frightened when my mom just left me alone at kindergarden over 20 years ago. Glad that harsh approach is not commonly practiced anymore.
How settling in at kindergarden is going for Bubsi
Bubsi is a very self-sufficient child that plays a lot by herself. She is used to a relatively quiet environment and then going to the occasional kids dancing group, playground, or kids library – with me. Having said that, she does not mind other children around and likes to play with them, too, in small numbers. In those situations she is actually very social and caring. When meeting new people or people she hasn’t seen for a while, Bubsi needs some time to warm up to them. If we do not push her and leave her to observe the new situation for herself, she joins the fun within a half hour or so. Basically I believed that once she had observed the new people at kindergarden for long enough she would readily settle in there. I still believe that, actually, only I didn’t expect it to take this long.
We are in the sixth week of settling in right now. Bubsi likes kindergarden in general, most teachers and most children in her group. She seems to enjoy the games and activities at kindergarden, too. Yet, she hates being separated from me. The first separation attempts utterly failed, with her screaming incessantly for me until the teacher brought her back to me. Bubsi also generalized me leaving as a bad thing, and all over sudden threw a tantrum when I left for my choir or ballet activities too. On a few occasions I was no longer okay to visit the bathroom alone either. Bubsi has a good memory, too, and so she kept telling me that if we went to kindergarden at all then I was not to leave her there. Playing is fine, but Mama don’t leave. So while the bonding to new carers happened, Bubsi did not follow the ideal plan for the Berlin model. We did not even attempt more separation for weeks. It was, and is, emotionally tough on me: I hate to see Bubsi unhappy, I want her to like her kindergarden experience, but I cannot sit at kindergarden for hours once the new baby comes. I feel a little time pressure now with the start of the third trimester.
Future prospects
To be fair though, things are slowly getting better. I am allowed to go to the toilet nowadays at kindergarden, alone. And some days, once Bubsi has started to play, she lets me sit in the parent corner of the kindergarden too. Practically a waiting area for parents of children settling in, but quite drafty and cold now in fall. For about an hour before we have to leave because she forgot I was waiting in the house for her and thinks she has been abandoned. I try to see this as a good sign, yet fail to see how she will adapt to me actually leaving the house willingly. Anytime soon that is. And before the new baby refuses to let me stay comfortably on the tiny chairs in the parent corner.
