I’m not big on rules for Bubsi. In fact, I very much believe that if there is a rule at all, I should stand behind it with all I am worth. And most common rules for babies and toddlers are pretty arbitrary. But I did have one arbitrary rule myself, and that was the “Forbidden Table”. And naturally, that rule failed, this week.
Arbitrary rules – or “do not climb the chair”
What do I mean by arbitrary rules for the young? Well, the rules mostly cover things that make the lives of the parents easier for a while, with a view to lifting them once the kid is older. A good example is the “don’t climb on the chair” rule. When toddlers get mobile, they eventually start trying to climb chairs. This is a nightmare for the parent, because if the toddler succeeds in climbing the chair, there is usually no way they can go down again by themselves (until they have mastered the getting down process at a later stage). Correct that, there are ways: the one where the toddler falls off the chair. Or the one where the chair falls with the toddler. Both of which are scary and in the worst case harmful. Who wants to be the parent at A&E having to answer “she fell off the chair and I let it happen”? Naturally, most parents resolve the problem by establishing the “don’t climb on the chair” rule. By preventing the child from climbing the chair, parents make sure they cannot hurt themselves by falling off the chair. If you are consistent in applying the rule, the toddler will (hopefully) cease any climbing attempts. Great in theory, right?
Why is this arbitrary?
To me, this rule is as arbitrary as it gets, for several reasons. Toddlers still learn mostly by imitation. Now, we parents constantly sit on chairs. To eat, to read, to work, you name it. Obviously the toddler wants to see what that magic device is all about. It must be awesome to sit on a chair if the parental idols do it so often. Plus, they can get on the chair now, they know they can or at least want to try until imminent success. Forbidding our toddlers to sit on chairs while we do it ourselves, all the time, would be unfair. Second, it would prevent them from practicing their climbing skills. Usually, we do not leave it at the chair, but extend the no climb rule to any other thing in the house. Don’t climb the table. Don’t climb the couch. How are our children supposed to learn how to climb objects safely when they are not allowed to practice? (And, I’d rather have them not climb on the kitchen counter where the hot stove is – the chair and the couch are much safer!! Don’t sweat the small stuff). Moreover, we will let them climb the chair eventually. In fact, we will want them to sit on chairs. Isn’t that very inconsistent of us?
Letting Bubsi explore her world
The moment we know they get off safely and don’t tumble, we let our kids climb chairs. Only, how will we know when it is safe? And here is the catch: this is why I let my toddler climb the chair from the very beginning. By practicing getting on, and practicing getting off, it gets safe. Only, while Bubsi is practicing, I need to be alert. Constantly. And next to the chair. For hours and hours on end. So I understand the main reason for the “don’t climb the chair” rule: it makes parents’ lives easier. For a while. Tell you what, though. Bubsi’s unsafe phase in climbing chairs lasted three weeks. And now she climbs up and down, and is so secure I calmly drink my tea. Plus, she knows her body better, and the next object she will try to climb is going to be less scary for me.
Bubsi chilling in the sun with her stones
So generally, I am pretty relaxed with rules that fall into the “don’t climb the chair” category. I believe that by letting Bubsi explore her world according to her interests, I am doing her a great favor. Of course, I have to be present all the time, and there are some rules that are unshakable for me. Like scissors are a no go. And touching ovens. Anything that will really injure her or others. But I really try to not have rules that are only there to make my own life as a mom easier. Instead, I find structures for myself that make my life easier, but that do not inhibit Bubsi’s freedom to explore (like never ironing clothes 😉 ).
The forbidden table
With one exception. There is a table next to our bed. It has been my one and only arbitrary rule. I wanted that table for myself. To keep things on it that are not meant for Bubsi. Like my spare SD card. Or my hot tea. Stuff like that. 40*30 centimeters of personal space. So when Bubsi first tried accessing that table, I said “no”. Firmly. I instructed Papa to do the same. I was so proud when Bubsi followed the rule. She even said “Table, no.Table no.” on repeat. Also, I wanted to prove to myself that if I set up a rule, I keep it. The “I said no it should be no forever or I am a failed mom” thing. Guess what, I failed.
By now, Bubsi can easily touch anything on the table. When she approached the table I said “no” but gave her anything from the table that she wanted, provided it was safe. I started feeling silly about that. I found myself reluctant to intervene when she took a book from the table herself. The rule was arbitrary, and I knew it.The SD card was put in a safe place Bubsi cannot reach. I explained to Bubsi what hot tea is and why it is harmful. She now says “tea, hot” and won’t touch it (I let her feel the heat so she understands). And the table itself, it is now a free table for all. I will no longer have arbitrary rules. Just like I wanted to from the beginning.
Bubsi plays with the forbidden table